One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.

Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."  

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

1 day, 3 babies in their mummy's womb starts to ask each other about their dreams when they are out of mommy's womb?

A baby ask B: what do you want to be next time?

B said: I want to be an architect to build big rooms. Why asked A?

This place is so small replied B.

B ask A in return: how about u next time?

A said: I want to be an electrical man. why asked B?

This place is so dark replied A.

A and B turn their heads and look at C and ask C. what he wants to be next time?

C replied: I want to be a boxer and box whoever that A**h!!!!! who makes my eye black!!!

K Read This...

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

AND THIS..!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern an make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

THIS AS WELL... :P

A very 'innocent' kampung girl is going to Kuala Lumpur. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.

Girl Ah, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements Mother set for you.

You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'. With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town.

After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get hermother's blessings to marry.

Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future Husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around." "Isn't that being faithful?".

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"As it was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel.

He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only".

"Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked.

"Mmm....his 'that one' is new......still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

Divorce, custody, and Coca Cola

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.)

Suddenly a ****roach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

cockroach

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

No Cock for 1 week LOL

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists.

On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home.

The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man.

The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home. "But yesterday you told me you loved it there.." says the son."Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."

There once was a guy with a 25 inch pe***. Of course he was having problems getting any because it was simply too long.

So he goes to a doctor and asks him if there is anything he can do.

The doctor says,

"Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll cost you about $10,000."

The guy replies,

"But I don't have that kind of money and I really need to get this taken care of."

So the doctor says,

"Well, there is an old local myth that says if you go down to the lake and ask a certain frog to marry you, your pe*** will shrink five inches every time it says no."

Since the guy cannot possibly afford the money for the operation, he heads down to the lake. After spending about half an hour asking every frog in sight if it would marry him, he asks this one frog sitting on a rock,

"Frog, will you marry me?"

Suddenly the frog opens it's mouth and says,

"No."

The guy feels something move in his pants and when he looks down, his pe*** is 20 inches! 20 inches is obviously still too big so once again the guy asks,

"Frog, will you marry me?"

Once again the frog says,

"No."

The guy looks down and his di** is now 15 inches. One more time and everything will be perfect the guy thinks to himself. So one last time, he asks the frog if it will marry him.

The frog replies,

"How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely.

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?

Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...

4th wife..... baby doll

3rd wife.....china doll

2nd wife.....barbie doll

1st wife...... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME

This is how India got its name.....

The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him

'In Dear?'...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.

'Your name pls'?

'Abdul Aziz '

'Sex? '

'Six times a week!! '

'No, no, I mean male or female! '

'Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !'

(6) SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.

Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service'

(7) HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on the cover of cosmo.

Son on the cover of sports illustrated.

Mistress on the cover of playboy and...

Wife on the cover of 'missing persons'

(8) SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(9) GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?

Little Johnny: Doctor !!

Teacher: Why?

Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.'

Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. '

(11) VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED '

(12)

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.

On their first night both were crying - why???

Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

3 countries namely: USA, Japan and Singapore were having a joint naval exercise off the coast of the Red Sea.

Coming to the end of the exercise the 3 generals were commenting on the exercise out and prasie each other on the competency of their navy. However, the USA general said in terms of bravery none could compare of the bravery of the USA solider who has gone into real battle like the World War II, Vietnam War, Gulf Wars, etc.

And to prove this theory he looked to a USA solider nearby and told him: "Solider, jump into the sea and wrestle up a shark."

Without hesitation, the solider yelled "for AMERICA" took off his clothes and branishing a dagger jumped into the sea and wrestled with a hammerhead shark for about an hour and with numerous shark bites and cuts, finally dragged it onboard.

The Japanese general also not wanting to lose out said the Japanese solider is the bravest. He cited the attack on Pearl Harbour where the japanese pilots sacrified their lives and did kamakazi attacks on the vessels of the USA navy. The general barked at his nearby solider: "BAGAIRO!!! jump into the sea and take out as many sharks as you can before sacrifice your lives for the glory of the empire!

The solider yelled " BONSAI" and took his dagger and slashed his wrist and branishing numerous hand grenades, jumped into the sea and waited till the sharks swamped him before detonating the hand grenades taking out a huge number of sharks.

The Singapore general not wanting to lose face said the Singapore solider is the bravest and without elaborating looked to his nearby solider and shouted: "Solider, jump into the sea and bring up as many sharks as you can".

The solider remain still and silent. The general shouted again:" solider did you hear me? jump into the sea and bring up as many sharks as you can".

Still the solider remained motionless. By this time the other two generals were laughing at the Singapore General. The general shouted again:" solider!!! are you deaf jump into the sea and bring up as many sharks as you can".

Finally the Singapore solider turned his head and said:" Lu si Siao si bo.. (are you crazy), ask me jump into the sea for nothing just to prove i am brave.. Lu ke SI.. (you go die) I resign.. and he spat into the General's face and left.

The Singapore General said, :"See... the singaporean solider is the bravest. Which solider would dare to speak to their general in this manner"..

Just a joke, no purposely intended to the Singapore Solider..